Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

Well lent has started life goes on and I still feel alone. I dislke moving on without you. I still think of you each and every day. I want to share family news with you. My Mom and I are struggling to get along again, that hurts more than ever because your not here to keep my spirits up. My Husband wants to move to a bigger city, to a job that pays better. I do NOT want to move. We have moved to much. There are to many things to do. I like being comfortable and being in one place. Even with the changes I would like to make over all I like my life here. No place is perfect. I am just happy to be content. With any luck something good will happen and we will be able to stay right here. Grandma please ask God to show mw how to keep us here. You know my heart nearly as well as God does, moving tears me apart. I still have not forgiven myself for telling my husband it was alright to move us to this place.

I am still not sleeping well. I am still over eating. I am not healthy with my grief. Time may heal but it asks a hight price of you too. It brings me some peace to know that your comfortable, but not enought peace to make me happy.  I am fighting with the whole angry about death issue right now. But I can not bring myself to be angry with you becauee you were such a loving person.

I miss you Grandma.

Dear Grandma,

For the first time in my life I do not have your calm prayerful advice to see me through lent. I have not been a faithful active Catholic in many years, but this year with you dead and gone I am ashamed of that fact.

Right now there are a great many what if’s in our life and I know that the church could be a solid guilding force in our lives. Even the kids miss going to church. I am not sure if I miss it more or if they miss it more, but that does not matter much. I know we should go. Yet I stay away, not even sure of what I am worried about.

Our last snow melted, in anodd personal way I have been eating the snow, as a personal way to grive your loss. I remember stories of snow made into ice cream but I just eat the fresh snow. Living here makes me sure that it is not a health risk. I know that we will not have snow all year long but this free extravgance is helping me and that is why I allow myself the chance. The snow now is in small round ice crystals. I secretly hope that my grief melts like this snow over time. Even when it can not been seen on the surface that it melts into my heart and keeps your memory alive forever in my soul.

No promises about how faithful our Lent will be as a family this year, but time will tell.

Dear Grandma,

I wish I knew what I was looking for today. I feel all mixed up and like there is something I need to find. I feel very lost again, still, all overagain I am not sure. I want to find something, but I am not sure what I want to find. I might have a chance at anouther good friend, but trusting her and getting to know her seems like to much of a risk now. I have been hurt to much in the last few years trusting friends is just not easy for me.  I wish you could advise me in this matter. I want you advice about so many things today.

Do you celebrate the chinese new year in Heaven?  Are you as happy there as you dreamed of?  Now the fear of knowing that I simply have to go on with out you is seting in for me. Now that your all the way gone I feel all alone, and I have reached a point where I know how it is now is how it is going to be.  I miss knowing that you know all of my falts and still love me.  Grandma what am I looking for today?

Dear Grandma,

What a long day. I did not get much sleep because I have toretrain our dog Mavrick not to sleep in bed with me because with my husband and I there is not room for him in bed. I will retrain him and then sleep well again. I also know he and I will both have better nights when I can go back to walking him everyday again. The dog and I are both looking wide around the middle because it has simply been too cold to walk outside this winter.

My Mom had a big day today, she went to here a speach at her church. I am so glad I talked her into going. She called and told me that she enjoyed listing to the speaker and even bought a book she had signed. I wish I could have gone with her, but my day was busy in other ways.

Today I got a slow start and then dove into house work. I was rather please with myself for how much I got done. I still have house work but that is pretty normal. Then we all went shoping for food and my husband got a nice haircut. The kids were not too happy that the answer for all of the extras that they have gotten this far in their lives was NO but in the long run they will be just fine with out the extras. It was just as hard for me not to have the extras I wanted but the answer for me was NO just the same as it was for them, and I too will be alright in the long run.  After we went shoping we came home and I dove right into cooking for my husband so he could go to work on time. The I tried to cook for the kids and they were picky. In the end all of them ate something for dinner, so I count that as a small victory today.

I took a great deal of comfort today in thinking of you and Grandpa being together. I loved seeing you together, the feeling of love and of being at home that the two of you built where ever you were togther. I miss being in the glow of that feeling you two shared together with everyone who entered your loving home. Not only did you build the house you two built the home we all loved to be in. I now try very hard taking comfort in the fact that the two of you are together.

Well the busy life of a Stay at home Mom calls me loud at the moment. I love you.

Dear Grandma

My Husband got me roses for Valentines Day!

I am still very happy about that. They make the whole house smell nice and I love they way they all look too. It showed me that he does listen and he does care about the things that are important to me. It also taught me tht I should try harder to make what is important to him important to me. He has such wonderful dreams and I am blessed to be his wife even when times are not so easy.

Now I am starting to feel lost with out you. I still long to call you on the phone. I want so badly to speak with you. To hear you laugh. With out you I am feeling more and more lost in my own daily life.

Dear Grandma

I miss you so much today. I kept myself from crying because I know you would not have wanted me to cry today. I smiled because this was the first Valentines Day you have spent by Gramdpa’s side since 2002.  I think that is special! I still wish I could have shared the day with you.

My Husband made today special for me to. He got me the flowers I have been asking for and dreaming about. The vase is red and a beautlful shape too. I was thrilled beond words when they were delivered. For the first time in a very long time I was able to let myself belive that he was thinking about what was important to me.  He asked if it made me happy! I told him it made me very happy. 

The kids had anouther snow day today, after less than a foot of snow two snow days seems like a bit much to me. The kids have school in the morning and I am as happy about that as they are!

I worry about the house work but I try to keep moving and keep going. I worry about the weather being to cold to walk the dog, and how he and I look plump for all of the sitting home together.  I worry that I will never be as good a person or as good a parent to my kids with out you here to advise me and comfort me.

One of my Aunts emailed me a Valentine. She is the first to contact me. I did not think she would remember me or care!  It was nice of her, but it made me lonely to hear from the rest of my Aunts and Uncles too.  No use worring about that. Who they contact is their choice, I have no say in the matter. I did not have the heart to reach out to anyone yet. I am not even keeping time on when I will or will not have the strength of heart to choose such things.

Happy Valentines Day Grandma and Grandpa. Does it worry Grandpa that these letter are all to you. Does he know that missing him follows me each and everyday too? I love you both. I miss you both. I hope my dreams of your spending this Valentines Day together are true.

It is late and I have to shut down the house and get everyone tucked in now.

Dear Grandma,

Again this year I wanted a bunch of flowers for Valentines Day, but for yet anouther year not only am I not getting yelled at but I know for sure I will not get flowers on the 14th.

After 14 years of marriage my husband still does not really trust that I love him and him alone. For at least two hours today he yelled at me. You know me Grandma I yelled back. I turned it into a conversation. I stood my ground. I defended my love and devotion for him and him alone for my whole adult life, but he went on saying horrible things and yellin at me. I kept a stright face and did not break down in to tears and sobbing until I was alone in my laundry room. I still feel like crying right now. Why do I feel like telling you will somehow make it better?  I miss the way you comforted me.  I need you to comfort me now.  Grandma I am a loving honorable wife to him, and I desire to alwasy be a loving devoted wife to him.  I need him to be close to me and to let me heal from the grief of your loss.  I really an not handle his misdirected rage right now.  Grandma I love him and I need him and I feel so so very alone and scared. I called my Mom but she did not seem to have any answers like you did. She tried to understand but she see things diffrent than you and I did.

Grandma I am a crying mess right now.

Dear Grandma,

Today is anouther cold winter day. There is a tiny bit of snow falling. It has been so cold at night that our family dog has been crawling in to bed with us at night.  Silly animal. Again today all four kids made it to school.

I am feeling more and more distance from you since your death. In fact as of tomorrow morning you will have been dead for a whole month. It seems odd and wrong that you did not see here and feel all that went on in the last month. I wonder if I will cry in the morning? Time is so important how we spend that time is our true wealth.

Again today I will spend the bluck of my time doing house work. Blah!How is it that you loved the house work you did so very much? Even after all these years I never did understand that.  I am far from enjoying the house work in fact I resent it.

Well on to anouther cold winter day.

Dear Grandma,

As I sit here content to sit and do not much of anything, it kind of bothers me that I am so happy to sit here.  Again today there are the should be dones that I am not doing right now.  All four kids went to school today, so there is no impediment to the housework getting done.

I managed to get to bed in time to get some sleep last night, so why am I sitting on my bottom not getting anything done?

I had my heart set on flowers for Valentines Day, and now I see that no matter how important it is to me it simply will not happen. My Husband thinks it more important to take the whole family out to eat dinner. Each year this makes me sick. Valentines Day is about couple and love and making the people you love happy. Well the fact is this taking the family dinner does not make me happy or celebrate the love that started our marriage.  We do many things as a family, why will he not make an effort to make me happy just this one small day a year.

I have thrown myself into worry over flowers so Valentines Day does not bring me to tears missing you.  It makes me sad to think that I can not mail you a Valentine and make you smile. I surely hope you and Grandpa have a Happy Valentines Day.

Dear Grandma,

Yesterday I spoke to a new company about a possible job writing articles and having a new title online. I did not get the feeling that the company had the same objectives online that I do or the same idea of how things operate.  I know I never interview well so I am trying not to get my hopes up. It is an exciting challenge because it would be competing with the local newspaper.  Do I have the confidence to give this the time attention and effort it would take. Could I really handle the sales and marketing aspect of it just learning by example and make it work on my own? I even wonder if I am worth the risk this company is asking to take in trusting me. I have my doubts and worries, but at the same time I would like to try.

I know I have to keep up with the house work, and the job too. It is important to me to have time to walk my dog too. Over the days since your death I have been asking myself if I am happy with my life. I know that nothing is perfect, but I understand that I need more than I have to be truly happy.  Is this what I need? Oh Grandma I so wish you were here alive to tell me a story to answer me. I miss you council I need your advice. I am nearly in tears missing you now because I want to know what you would say. I have even wondered what I would tell a beloved Grand-daughter of my own in such a case?  Well in any case the house work i must get done today is clear and waiting for me.  All if the what if’s will have to wait for the house work today.  As I work I will consider taking the risk and writing a new article for this new chance. Even if the interview was the failure I think it was, an article might show them that I am worth the risk of trusting me with the title, the job and the chance.  I would hate to think I put this much effort in to mulling over a chance I never even had.