Living with Grief
Your Journey With Grief and Healing
When faced with a problem the answer lies in finding a constructive solution. Of all of the problems we are confronted with the death of a loved one and the grief that remains in our own hearts. As a result of the burial rituals and choices available we are spared problems of the past. It can still be heart wrenching to sign the remains of our beloved to a funeral director, this however provides comfort that all earthy remains will be treated with dignity and respect. Traditions world wide provide for each person to choose their own internment before they die. In the event of a tragic sudden death or the loss of a infant or child arrangements have to be made by the parents or nearest responsible relative. That leaves our most important job coming to terms with our life as it will go on with out the one we have lost. Living with grief is by no means an easy task. In the hours and days after a loved one has died the shock and pain you feel are truly unbearable. As time passes the need to cope and strive enters in to ones thoughts and thus the Journey With Grief starts.
I set out months ago to write this article convinced that I could make a suitable exploration of approaches to grieving with out taking a journey back through my own grief. Well needless to say there were tears and memories flooded back and I found myself reworking sessions and writing letters again myself. Now armed with a new understanding that to explain healing and grieving in this article was in fact a promise to travel through my own losses yet again. So here I stand with you, hoping that together we can find hope in our grief and learn that living with grief can still mean living a full rewarding life.
After the death of a loved one you might hear grief described as steps or lessons, some people even consider grief to be an event or a process. Each of these methods can help depending on your personal faith and beliefs. I have learned that viewing grief as a journey allows for the many and varied emotions that we encounter everyday. I have great respect for the other methods and the ways they help people, so I invite you on this journey trusting that you know your own heart well enough to know that it might help you, or that another method may help you more. Remember that what ever you feel is alright, there are no wrong feelings. What ever healthy comfort you find can ease the work of your journey with grief.
When the funeral and burial services or memorial services are done every aspect of life can seem bleak dull and empty, unless you take stock of the network of the persons to whom you are emotionally close or who are supportive of your creating a safe emotional environment for grieving. Work hard to assure your self that you are not alone.
The stages of grief on your journey might take different paths or fit better under other labels but for those joining me on creating a healthy journey out of their personal grief and sadness please consider this cycle a reference point.
1. Normal Life function
2. Death of a loved one
3. Shock
4. Protest
5.Disorganization
6.Reorganization
7. Life Function reestablished
8. New Normal Life Function
First Steps Grieving
With your emotional support network in place work out what your personal first step to grieving will be. Any and all of these starting points may provide you with comfort as time passes.
Reach out to others.
Eat right and exercise.
Set small goals first, accomplish them, then set bigger goals.
Reach out to others.
Be open and talk about your feelings.
Informal counseling, talk with family members, friends or a clergy person.
Formal counseling appointments with a professionally trained counselor or therapist.
CRY! Tears are as natural as laughter and just as helpful to healing. Tears weather shared with others or privately will relapses bottled up anger, guilt exhaustion, loneliness, ad sadness. It takes more energy to keep your feeling bottle up inside than it does to let them out.
Catharsis like movies, plays, books, or social activities provide outside stimuli that generate healing, so enjoy chances to escape your loss for short times.
Allow your self to Dream.
Give your body the proper oxygen to function completely. Breath and concentrate on talking deep breaths to calm your self.
Allow yourself the company of friends. Being with people helps us to go on living our own lives.
Create a safe place and go there in your mind or in person.
Write lists of good things about the person who has died.
Write down the loving things that the person said to you before they died that you never want to forget.
Take care of something other than you: a pet, a plant, a neighbor, a friend.
Take part in activities you enjoy.
Groan in the shower. Imagine a waterfall, washing away the pain and fatigue covering you and filling you with peace, strength and protection.
Do something new, rather than feel stuck or lost forge a new path.
Do not have expectations to high. Pace yourself.
Enjoy good memories. Smells, flavors, photographs even old coats, or music can go a long way to comfort you.
Talk out loud to the person who has died. Leave nothing unsaid, remember these words are for you and depending on your faith beliefs might be known to the loved one you have lost.
Visit the place of burial.
Join a support group. The company of others on their own journey with grief will strengthen you.
Reminisce over personal belongings or family pictures of the person who died.
Visit nature. The waves at sea or the trees in the mountains will impress upon the saddest of people the vastness of life and the unending cycle of life around us.
Session One
Choose to educate yourself about your own personal grief. Working out a large issue like grief on your own can be a big responsibility so plan on writing everything down. Buy a simple three section notebook or a spiral notebook that can be divided into three sections. The first section is for your personal facts and research. Start the Facts section with your personal facts; your name, your address, phone number, birth date, and religion. If you would like include a photograph of yourself on the opening page also. It is important to start with your own facts to remind your self that grieving is about you. This journey with grief is your emotional property. Taking ownership of how you feel and why means that the feelings will not over power you. Anyone can control their feelings by writing down every feeling or event as it happens. Online (Web Logs) Blogs are more public and there for not suitable for this early stage in the journey because you will be more likely to censor yourself. For now writing things down on paper is the most helpful method. Writing your feeling down on paper in a journal can sometimes be easier than speaking to another person about it. Giving your feeling their own space on a page gets them outside of your moment to moment thoughts. This space can give you a greater control of your grief. By examining your feeling more clearly, working with them creatively or mapping out activities to help you to live with your emotional state. In your grief journal there is no need to worry about punctuation, spelling, organization, or sentence structure. After you finish an entry label it with Read After then list a date six months later. As you write this six month cushion will allow you to be totally honest about your feelings and every aspect of your journey.
This is a good time to talk about the many levels of grief. When we feel frightened, overwhelmed or physical pain after a loss . This chart compares how events change every part of out lives and help us to grow as people. Each step in the journey empowers us to take the next step, if your writing in your journal as often as once a day or just once a week your still traveling with grief and growing on your own journey
Session Two
As you continue to travel through your grief try to keep you lost loved one real. Keep a photograph and or some memento or object that they loved. Enjoy for yourself activities or hobbies that they valued. In this way you can remain active among people enjoying healthy active pursuits. Even being supportive of a team or activity can keep memories real. By enjoying activities and events your loved one valued you can forge emotional paths privately and still be involved socially. Adding activities should not mean giving up your personal pursuits. Session ThreeNow the time has come to address your grief to the loved one you have lost. Start on a fresh new page in the journal section of your notebook. Start the page as you would any letter. Open the letter with what ever is on your mind, express how lousing that loved one has changed your life. In your letter be sure to write about the following topics;
-What we can never do now
-What I wish I had said or had not said
-What I wish you had said or had not said -What I miss most
-What I wish we had done or had not done
-What I would like to ask you
-How I felt when you died
-How I feel now
Depending on your faith beliefs you may want to make a copy of your letter to “deliver” to the loved one you have lost. For some writing the letter over again on special paper and buring it is the best answer to this situation. For others bringing their journal graveside and reading the letter aloud is suitable to share it with the one they have lost. In some cases reading the letter to a trusted family member or friend is enough. Some people gain comfort simply by reading eh letter again in six months on their own.
Facts Section
This is a good time to remind you that to save newspapers or magazine articles, quotes, comics, funeral or memorial bulletins or obituaries in this section. If you only add a few facts in to this section then your doing fine. At the very least one entry per month in this section will create a record supportive of your journey through grief. If you want then add restaurant menus or even recipes this is a good place to keep everything together. If you choose to save sympathy cards the envelopes can be attached to you pages to hold the cards. Words to important songs, advertisements, for foods or services can also provide happy memories and comfort years down the road. Be sure that items, quotes, and information saved has a real emotional value. A healthy healing journey with your grief should not be bogged down with clutter.
Journal Section
For an active journal keeper one or two entries a week will be easy to accumulate. If journaling everyday is comfortable for you that is helpful for healing.
Section Three
Reflections and ReviewMore about this section very soon. For now be sure that it is ready and waiting.
Session Four
Now is the time for a contemplative logical look at your journey living with grief. On a new page in your journal using short phrases and free verse finish these sentences:
Sometimes I feel angry when_____________________________
Oh how I wish________________________________________
Sometime I feel hurt when_______________________________
Missing ____________is hardest when_____________________
I remember when______________________________________
As I start to feel _______________________________________
I will know I am getting better (when/because) _______________
I was confused about feeling happy when____________________
I am my own best journey facilitator because _________________
I cried when___________________________________________
I know that your memory is always in my heart because _________
Session Five
Think about songs, prose, poems and prayers or alike that have brought you comfort on your journey. If the inspired words are not yours be sure to write down the name of each author. Sharing these selections with your support network can provide you with care and new hope regarding your future with out your lost one.
Session Six
Start this week thinking about old hobbies or skills you enjoyed once before, or pick a new one to learn. Set a goal for your skill and give your self a year to meet that goal. Acclivities and projects you do to please yourself help you to continue to be the person that others find interesting. As time passes doing things and finishing projects will start to feel more and more rewarding. If you have returned to an old craft project or hobby you can expect to see a new depth or value to your work, however if you have started a new kind of hobby or activity it may seem more important to you than it does to other people including family and friends around you.
Session Seven
Do not fear what upsets you. Make a short list of upsetting words and events then journal about how you handle each situation. Keep a record of how you have coped with anger and upset. Over the weeks and months it will provide you with a good reference to look back on if anything upsets or angers you in the future.
Session Eight
Recall the people who have reached out to you and what they did that was comforting to you. The time has arrived to step outside of your own journey and help to comfort someone else. Grief comes in all shapes and sizes, so brighten the day for someone who has lost a job, moved, burned a meal, or even had an important relationship break up. You can help someone you know or someone new. Kindness and comfort shared with an open mind and love in your heart will help you and all of the people you reach out to. Reaching out is the best way to see how far you have traveled on your own journey with grief.
In the event that you reach out to a person who is not comforted by your efforts, offer a simple apology and seek out another person to share your comfort and kindness with. Even when your efforts are not warmly received there is value in the lessons “Life goes on” If your comfort is welcomed then the same lesson will find you by a different path.
Session Nine
On the next new page in your journal write down a list of twenty things that you love to do. Big things like going on holiday or small things like eating candy. After you have finished the list Underline the top five things from you list of twenty. Make a new list with these five activities you love most. Next label each with an approximant cost. If they are activities you enjoy alone write your name after the item, if it is something best shared write down In Public. Lastly label each of your five items with the last date you engaged in the activity. Keep these lists in mind and treat yourself to an activity you love to do or use to do inside of your budget.
Session Ten
The belongings left behind from you lost loved one need to be kept for a time, but by now you should be strong enough to organize what you will donate to charity shops, share with family and friends, and set aside the few personal items you want to keep. As you heal fewer physical objects belonging to you lost loved one will bring you comfort. Keeping every pair of socks or a collection of dishes you have no need for can halt your journey. Choose to make you healing about special objects, memories, and items. Pay special attention to jewelry collections and photographs as they might have been included in a will or legal documents. Honor the wishes of your loved one by doing as they have instructed.
Session Eleven
In some cases a formal perminate method to memorliaze the deceased has to be taken care of at the time of burial. If it has not yet been taken care of then start planning a suitable memorial for them. In cases when a stone grave marker or plaque has been placed this is an excellent time to make a crayon rubbing of that grave marker. Other options include a scrapbook detailing your loved ones life and death, scholarships, contributions of time and or money to a charity, artwork, travel, and living memorials like trees or rose bushes. Creating a place or a way to honor the memory of your lost loved one will insure that you and your family and friends have a place to honor remains and memories alike.
Session Twelve
Grief is a journey we make each and every day to heal our hearts and our souls. There is no time limit and no one method of grieving that works for everyone. For some people sessions might take one day or 90 days. Journaling each time you have to let go of thoughts and feelings gives you control of them. Reviewing facts and artifacts will strengthen the connections and help you meet your goals. Reading over obituaries or other material after time has passed can create new emotional responses. This is not an attempt to rewrite past entries but a chance to invite new thoughts and feelings and write new entries about things that have moved you along on your journey.
Session Thirteen
Section Three Reflections and Review
Now at long last we have arrived at section three of your notebooks. Label the last section Reflections and Review. When anniversaries, birthdays, journal entries, accomplishments, death days, or family events confront you redo what ever session you feel will bring you the most comfort and record it here. If you feel moved to buy a birthday card or other token of affection this is the place to save it so that it will continue to support you emotionally in the future.
Session Fourteen
On the next new page in your journal write down this affirmation.
Grief is my journey and my destination is healing.
Now lets review the many ways you have employed to learn about your personal grief journey. Copy down each statement and write a few lines explaining how and what you have done toward that goal.
~Being able to share my feelings with others.
~Talking about my loved one who has died.
~Reaching out and helping other people.
~Making new friends.
~Writing in my journal.
~Writing letters to my lost loved one and to other family members.
~Sorting out a support network.
~Freedom to express thoughts and feelings.
Living Each Day As It Comes.
My personal journey with grief has taken many twists and turns some days I feel as if I have taken a step forward and other feel like I have gone three steps back. I have walked hand in hand with my grief and still managed to make the best of each day for the last twelve years. I have lost children to miscarriage and had to survive the loss of both of my Grandfathers, as well as the recent death of my most beloved Grandmother following her last stroke. You to will come to know this journey well and see the value of life that it teaches. Knowing the journey does not mean that future losses will hurt any less, but rather it means that you will not have to feel helpless to the overwhelming feeling the journey with grief leads you through as you learn to go on living each day.
No matter what size the grief or where you are working through it or living with it knowing your own feelings and the motivation for them is one wonderful way to go on with your own life even when you feel sure you can not go on another day.
Looking at the changes grief set in motion in your life,
1. Normal Life function
2. Death of a loved one
3. Shock
4. Protest
5.Disorganization
6.Reorganization
7. Life Function reestablished
8. New Normal Life FunctionBy the time you feel confident with you new normal life function speaking about your loss in a Blog can be helpful and function as a healthy outlet to future growth. It is alright to go on living to share your story and to feel nice feelings again. In fact it is the only way to maintain any quality of life and honor the memories of those who have left this world. The most important lesson you can take from your journey with grief is that you have control of all of your emotions, thoughts and feelings.In the end we are own on our own journey, and the comfort and kindness we offer is as much as any of us can do. To be sure your friends and loved ones have an easier time when your time comes arrange to have all of you affairs in order and your last will and testament drawn up and properly filed so that your loved ones can honor your wishes.
Grief is my journey and my destination is healing.
I wish you peace on your journey. 
ll but out of time to blog today because the kids I still have home sick need me to help them.
Well those dishes got done, dinner made it to the table, and I have managed to stave off the tears yet again. I know I need anouther good cry but I am sure that stopping to cry again and not getting the housework done is not a good thing.
My goal today is to try very hard to be with her in prayer. She must have gone stright to heaven. Faith like hers is stronger than steel and more beautiful than anything known to our eyes. I hope she saw the face of God and that it was more beautiful than even she had hopped it would be.
